ahhhhhhh

Ok, that shit is all over with....no more whining about it. She's history. I drew a line with a text that said "WTF?" when she flaked and she balked in the end. And all I can say is good. Tired of the emotional bullshit that I put myself over this woman. No more. I will not mourn over somebody who was not that interested in me in the first place. I would have respected her more if she had had the guts to do it sooner though, and in person. But she didn't and that makes me not feel bad over the end of whatever little thing we had. Not a relationship, just a few dates and the possible beginnings of something. I'm more angry with myself over wasting energy on this whole thing. Ahh, fuck it, baby....
The next post will actually be something interesting.

ergh part 2

Ok so after a week of working my ass off at work...I am exhausted. Ergh.

On top of that I'm feeling very disappointed,disrespected,and annoyed by this girl I was dating. All indications are that she was pretty straight up. All indications to this point were good. We were connecting. We spent most of last sunday together working on our respective projects at a coffee shop. When last we talked the plan was to get together wed or thurs. I called a couple of times to confirm. Wed and thurs came and went and I sent couple of text messages. And nothing. No replies of any sort. Nothing. Zilch. WTF? Has she been horribly maimed? Is she out of cellphone range? Or is she just a bitch? thoughts?

I have the absolute worst luck with women and relationships. Unbe-fucking-believable.....

re: last post

Ergh, that was something I told myself I wouldn't do with this blog...anyway, apologies if any of you are reading this. But I'm going to continue as I need to work some stuff out and putting it out there into the ether and in digital type is cathartic.
Just feeling very insecure and not confident as of late. It happens everytime I get involved with a woman (which I'm not sure I am anymore...).
Full honesty that explains 99% of it all: I am adopted, as some of you know. I was also engaged at one point and that was a 5yr relationship. So, besides my adoptive mother (who is a saint btw), the 2 most prominent women in my life abandoned me with no explanation. Those are deep psychic scars to carry. And they affect every encounter I've ever subsequently had with women. I'm a walking vessel of rejection. I'm about to turn 38 and they's tough cookies to swallow.
It has to change, I know that, or else I'm doomed to be alone and isolated. It's a tough reality, but it is a reality. But reality is only perception

posting is slow

Not much new happening lately. Such is my life as always. I was dating someone for ~3weeks but I haven't heard from her in days so I think that's probably over. That's the way it goes I suppose. Should be used to that by now after about 20years of empirical evidence suggesting that's the way its supposed to be for me. Just not in the cards for me to be with someone even though I want to be.
Nothing's come easy for me. I just wish something, for once, would. Oh yes, it looks right and rosy from outside! Yes indeed. But really I've never got what I really wanted out of life so far. I'm in the career/job because I can do it, not because it's my dream job. Yes I have money and am relatively healthy. Blah blah. I'd give it all up in a flash to have a normal life with an active social circle and more of an opportunity to date.
Ok, enough bitching for now....going to the bar. Beer doesn't care if you are good-looking or are socially-adept or interesting....